the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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