mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
