I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
