I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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