She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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