It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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