if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
ttyl tear gas
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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