I should be sponsored by Trojan
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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