he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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