oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize