Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
