they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
