phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
