If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
