well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
