He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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