i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
