but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
