I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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