I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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