I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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