fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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