I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
