there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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