So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize