It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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