You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
