so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize