Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
