grandma shit on top of the toilet
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
