Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
