Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
