does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
