Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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