Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
