hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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