I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
