As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
