I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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