i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
