It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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