i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
