i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
