oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
