textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
