I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize