Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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