You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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