I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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