I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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