make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
