I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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