I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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