i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
