It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
