I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
