Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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