Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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