so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
