maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
