I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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