Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
