her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
