if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
